Dads & Partners

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Dads and Partners

Supporting your partner

Dads & partners play a key role in identifying and helping mothers with their own perinatal mental health issues. You will probably notice any changes in your partners behaviour before anyone else, and it may be down to you to make sure she gets the help she needs, by talking to the midwife, health visitor or GP for example. There are also many ways that you can help which we have listed below.

Key messages to give your partner if they are struggling:

The main message is to reassure your partner that this is not her fault. It's easy for her to feel like there's nothing she can do that will help - you can remind her and help her to look after herself. There are some things that they can and should do immediately. For more details have a read of DadMattersUK's leaflet called 'Why am I not happy?'. 

Ways to help your partner if they are struggling:

"Supporting someone with a mental illness is one of the biggest challenges."

If your partner is not already doing so, you must encourage her to seek professional help. The sooner she does this the quicker she will recover. Maternal mental health problems can be serious but she can get better.

While it is natural to feel like you should be able to help fix you partner's distress, it's very likely she will need more treatment and support than you can provide alone.

Try to focus on providing practical and emotional support and ensure that she receives these extra services.

How can you help?

• listen to her and be there
• understand this is not her fault or yours, but a real illness and remind her that she will get better
• be involved with your partner's care to gain understanding
• be patient and kind
• help her to organise her time and encourage her to work out what needs doing now and what can wait

Other practical things you can help with that will make a huge difference:

• keep visitors to a minimum
• encourage your partner to take rest and time out for themselves
• cook a meal 
• offer to take the baby out for a walk or round to friends
• remember to tell your partner of your love and give hugs

This is important - this is a list of symptoms which may indicate that your partner has a more serious mental health problem - if you are aware of any of these you need to make sure that she gets specialist help. If they start at the weekend get help straight away through the out of hours GP service, don't wait until Monday morning.

• New thoughts of violent self-harm - don't worry about asking her if she has any thoughts about harming herself - she'll probably be really relieved to be able to talk about it, although some women find it really hard to talk about this. If you're worried about her mood and she's spending a lot of time on the internet then try asking her what she's looking at - sometimes women look up ways to complete a suicide.
• Sudden onset or rapidly worsening mental symptoms - perinatal illnesses can start really quickly and an individual can deteriorate fast - if she is acting strangely look at the symptoms on the Postpartum psychosis page and talk to your midwife, health visitor or GP.
• Persistent feelings of estrangement from their baby - this may mean that she doesn't want to be near the baby or to do any of their care. She might start saying something like 'she's not a good enough mother to look after the baby' - again, you need to tell a health a professional and get help as soon as possible.

Worried about your own mental health

Studies into postnatal depression in fathers suggest that around one in five men experience depression after becoming fathers.

Partners might develop a mental health problem when becoming a parent for similar reasons to mothers, particularly if you:

• are a young parent without good support networks in place
• have experienced abuse in your childhood
• are struggling with stressful life events, like moving house, losing your job or being bereaved
• have poor living conditions

You might also be coping with:

• extra responsibilities around the house
• financial pressures
• a changing relationship with your partner
• lack of sleep

You can get help and support from the midwife, health visitor or GP. Your local talking therapies service can support you if you think that you have depression or anxiety, and you can refer yourself. It's free and as a new parent you should be prioritised for therapy. Details of the local talking therapy service can be found here Hertfordshire or West Essex.

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More help and support 

Families First support for dads (hertfordshire.gov.uk)

Essex Child & Family Wellbeing Service (essexfamilywellbeing.co.uk).

FOR URGENT HELP CALL NHS 111 OR SAMARITANS (08457 90 90 90).

DadsMatterUK factsheets and leaflets

If your partner is suffering from a more severe form of maternal mental health illness known as postpartum psychosis then please click here.

NCT (National Childbirth Trust)

BBC Tiny Happy People has a number of resources, tips and advice and activities for how you can play and bond with your child or children, including a page on building your confidence as a dad Dad Life: Building your confidence as a dad - BBC Tiny Happy People

Articles (professoramybrown.co.uk)